Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Oh my YOUR god

I'm not one to complain, but someone's god is totally spamming me lately. Remember last year when I received that odd prayer handkerchief in the mail? I wrote back (very politely I thought and with ABSOLUTELY no identifying information included) and asked that I not receive any further mailings. It's been a year, so I thought that did the trick. I mean, you shouldn't have to S-P-E-L-L it out much more than that. We're talking god here. He/she should be able to "get it", no?


I'm back on someone's list and their god wants my money. First I got the magic cross. I don't remember what it was supposed to do, but trust me it was magic and all of my dreams were going to come true if I did something with this piece of metal while chanting or praying or sacrificing a pagan or something. I don't really remember all of the details, but trust me, it was magic. And it would work. As long as I sent them a check.

Then came the magic Jesus pennies. This one involved actual pennies that were sent to me to put in my shoes. (I couldn't make this stuff up. I'm not that clever.) Again I'm thinking it's god-magic because if I followed all the steps outlined in the letter, and sent them a check, I'd have blessings both coming and going. (Insert joke of a scatological and/or sexual nature here.)

But I don't want any blessings from magic Jesus pennies. I just want to be left alone. I am pretty well grounded in my belief system and I'm definitely comfortable and happy with my life. Everyone's god should respect that, no?


Next came the missionaries. They also have a message for me from god. Yeah. Nice ties boys, but no thanks. I figure I lived in Utah for 4 long years. I've heard enough from that god thankyouverymuch.

But god apparently has a direct marketing plan for my life. Now I've got an actual and totally real PERSONAL LETTER from god. (It's highlighted, underlined and in all caps, so it's got to be true.)
Never mind that it's only addressed to "a Friend." It's for me, personally. From god. It says so right on the front.

This one's got a magic number inside. And if I just blah, blah, blah, and send them blah, blah, blah I will receive blah, blah, blah.

Maybe I should play the lotto.


Ren said...

The amount of Jesus-voodoo letters you receive are in direct proportion to how heathen you are.

My boss in P'cola was gay and he swears that's why he got every danged one of them.;) He was saving them. A very bizarre collection to say the least.

I'm not sure whether to be sad that I'm not heathen enough, or relieved. I did live in P'cola long enough after all...that should be penance enough.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Be nice to the missionaries. They're pretty cool guys. (I should know, they come over for dinner a LOT). :-)

Alex Polikowsky said...

My mom gets at leat 2 a week and they come to my address. They are so unbelievable that they are funny!

Kim said...

Mary, just start responding in Wiccan lingo and they can't run away fast enough...at least from my doorstep they do!